I'm sorry for every time I held on to your hand a little too tight.
I'm sorry for the times I made you feel the world was scary.
I'm sorry for all the times I locked too many doors.
Lock the front door, double check, walk away, turn around, go back double check.
Lock the terrace, close the windows, seal everything airtight so we can barely breathe.
I can't breathe.
I keep covering my face with a pillow to swallow the scream and suffocate instead.
Saran wrap my voice.
Shhhh, quiet, I need to listen for strange noises in my head.
Lock the front door, double check, walk away, turn around, go back, double check.
Lock the terrace, close the windows, seal everything airtight so we can barely breathe.
You stare; wide-eyed you follow my ritualistic lockdown.
You ask “Mommy, why did you lock the bedroom door?"
"I'm just checking"
Now you lock all doors, too.
Lock the bedroom door before going to the washroom, then lock the washroom door. Click, click and double click. You check to see if there's anyone in the bathtub.
I tell you there's no one there, you say "I know, Mommy, I'm just checking".
Lock the door, lock my eyes, seal my lips so I don´t have to see fear laughing at me, taunting.
Lock my eyes and throw away the key so I don't have to see what I have done to you.
Lock the door, airtight, make sure no one can get in, and we can't get out.
I can't breathe. There isn't enough air here.
It doesn't matter,
I stopped breathing years ago. The footprints on my chest shattered my lungs into silence.
I am so, so sorry, for holding your hand too tight and teaching you to be scared, l promise I will learn to let go;
Together we will breathe fire and burn down every door.
Watch out world we will take your breath away!
* Amanda Ahumada
I was born in Calgary, Alberta, Canada February 1979 to two Chileans. At 13 years of age, I started a new chapter of my life when my parents returned to Chile.
I have a beautiful daughter who fills my soul with joy.
Stand-Up Comedy The Chistolas:
Storytelling in Santiago:
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