Prologue: A girl is born
Part 1: Oh, the places you will go!
If I had a dime for every time,
A girl got drunk.
She was feeling in a funk.
Had a bad day, this girl is gonna pay!
She thought “Oh the places I will go!”
She thought “No means no!”
But she ended up raped by a guy she met.
The dude didn’t even break a sweat.
He saw he came he took.
The cops said they’d take a look.
But truth be told the girl, I was drunk.
She should have thought of it better.
Why did she borrow his sweater?
She, I thought that no meant no.
She thought, “Oh the places I will go!”
But truth be told she was just a girl.
He committed the perfect crime.
He will do no time.
Cause crime against girl,
has no punishment in this world.
Part II: Roses are red.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
If I am a guy, I am allowed to rape you.
Part III: Why getting raped was my fault.
1.- I knew I had to work the next day so I shouldn't have gone out
2.- I drank too much
3.- I invited them to my place
4.- I rested my head on his shoulder on the taxi ride home
5.- I was horny, wet because I had been fooling around with the girl from the bar
6.- I didn't scream
7.- I didn't scratch
8.- My no was too quiet.
Part IV: Rape is silent.
It slithers up on you in the deafening absence of sound.
Its two hundred pounds of flesh crushing your lungs.
There is no air.
There are no ears.
No sound.
It’s almost like you were never there.
Part V: Don't stop me now.
The moment you stop and breathe.
Your chest.
The hurt overcomes.
And even though you are tired you know you must move.
Before it catches you.
He already did.
He might again.
MOVE.
Part VI
I have decided to stop.
And be sad for a little while.
The aftermath
Part VI: Fear of them; Sun bathing
The kids are behaving horribly. I spent the morning alone with them. I yelled at my daughter… it’s too late for the beach now, it’s lunch time. We will have to leave after lunch.
My sister sees my face.
She knows, all mothers know, that face you get when you just want to tell them to do what you fucking told them too, NOW!
Go out she says, relax a bit.
Breathe, breathe, exhale, when did I forget to breathe.
I grab my bikini and my purse and I head out to the docks, I shall sun bathe I declare
I need the warmth of the sun on my skin
My daughter runs to get her shoes, no I tell her firmly, ha, that’s a lie. I say it mean and with rage, with the frustration of having to repeat everything 3 times just to have the sound of my voice acknowledged. Mommy needs alone time.
My daughter’s eyes well up with tears. I hug her and start to crumble.
Go my sister says, just go, you’re like me, you just care too much.
I step out the door, already I am feeling lighter.
I walk to the peer, choose a chair near the docks, away from where people are eating. I lay down, plug in my earphones, ahhh yes, the sun and music wash over me. I smile, I sing, not so loudly that someone will hear. I look at my body in my new yellow bikini, not bad I think. Could be better, but it’s ok.
I drink up the sun, it softens my anger. Kids are hard, but this my friend is good.
“Parlez-vous français ?”
Ug, interrupted. Like I am gonna be able to give someone directions.
“No, no parlez français”
“German?”
“What are you doing here?”
UG. Goooo awayy
“Vacation” I respond, curt, no smile, but polite. He invites me to a party on his yacht, I say no thank you, not interested, he leaves.
Sun, yes, sun. Something is blocking my light.
“I just had to come back and insist, it’s good to go out and meet people on your vacations. Look, my brother has a child with a foreigner, and you never know, and you can see that these countries are not countries where you go around stealing women.
Wait what? Well if I wasn’t thinking that before I sure am now.
“No thanks, really no thanks”.
I wait till he leaves, my mind races, what if he is into human slavery, ug, he is probably just a douche.
Close my eyes, the sun the sun... no... gone my internal alarm, keep your eyes open, is the boat closer??
Better get up, walk, slowly, calm pace, normal, now turn slowly and check, no better not, just move forward keep out of his eye line. Ah relaxing sun, don't complain Lena just walk.
I turn down an unknown street, old buildings with basements, you can tell they have basements because of all the little windows with bars on them. How many women have lived trapped there I wonder? Oh shut up mind just shhhh
Epilogue
They told her this proves you are strong.
They told her you are a stronger, better woman for it.
They told her, her trauma was a badge of honor.
They suck.
She was sadder.
She was more frightened.
She couldn't even trust her own thoughts because they told her they weren't hers anymore.
Stop making women’s hurt your happy ending.
Stop romanticizing the unjust.
Stop stealing our right to be angry.
Stop stealing our rights.
Stop.
* Lena Glutnerk. I was born on the small island of Förh, Germany the year 1991. Graduated with a bachelor of arts, and currently living a gypsy life. Words are my shield and home and blanket fort.
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